Like George Carlin words are an interest of mine, not a hobby, hobbies cost money. When my mother sent me these results from a Washington Post contest I knew I’d have to share.
The contest invited readers to take a word from the English language and by adding, removing or changing only one letter create a new word. The results are pure genius.
The following are reposted from the Washington Post. I’ve stared (*) my favorites.
Fifth Runner-Up: Foreploy*: any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex. (Greg Oetjen, Lorton)
Fourth Runner-Up: Fortissimoe: the musical moment produced when someone serially slaps the faces of the first-violin section. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)
Third Runner-Up: Tatyr: a lecherous Mr. Potato Head. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
Second Runner-Up: Doltergeist: a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank. (David Genser, Arlington)
First Runner-Up: Giraffiti: vandalism spray-painted very, very high, such as the famous “Surrender Dorothy” on the Beltway overpass. (Robin D. Grove, Arlington)
And the winner of the two-foot-high baby bottle:
Sarchasm*: the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn’t get it. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Honorable Mentions:
Necronancy: communication with the late Ernie Bushmiller. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
Contratemps: the resentment permanent workers feel toward the fill-in workers. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church)
Coiterie: a very very close-knit group. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
Whitetater: a political hot potato. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)
Impotience*: eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra prescription. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)
Elepants: too-tight jeans on broad-beamed people. (Steve Fahey, Kensington)
Lollapalooka: someone who has taken one too many turns in the mosh pit. (Philip Delduke, Bethesda)
Auto-da-feh: the extermination of heretics via drowning in a vat of pus. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
Stupfather: Woody Allen. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Reintarnation: coming back to life as a hillbilly. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)
DIOS: the one true operating system. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Inoculatte*: to take coffee intravenously when you are running late. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
Thripp: a bug. (Bee Perrin, Washington)
Hipatitis: terminal coolness. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Writer’s tramp: a woman who practices poetic licentiousness. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)
Goodzilla: a giant lizard that puts out forest fires by stamping on them. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)
Taterfamilias: the head of the Potato Head family. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
Guillozine: a magazine for executioners. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)
Osteopornosis*: a degenerate disease. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)
Adulatery: cheating on one’s wife with a much younger woman who holds you in awe. (Joseph Romm, Washington)
Suckotash: a dish consisting of corn, lima beans and tofu. (Russ Beland, Springfield)
Emasculathe: a tool for castration. (Steve Fahey, Kensington)
Sata: a mythical being who brings toys to bad children. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Burglesque: a poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate) (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like a serious bummer. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)
Genitaliar: an image-enhancing object that can be carried in a man’s front pocket. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
Glibido: all talk and no action. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Antifun gal: a prude. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
Vaseball: a game of catch played by children in the living room. (Russ Beland, Springfield)
Eunouch: the pain of castration. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett park)
Hindkerchief: really expensive toilet paper; toilet paper at Buckingham Palace. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)
Deifenestration: to throw all talk of God out the window. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria)
Hozone: the area around 14th Street. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)
Acme: a generic skin disease. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)
Dopeler effect*: the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. (Greg Oetjen, Lorton)
Hindprint: indentation made by a couch potato. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)
Intaxication*: euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. (Greg Oetjen, Lorton)
Newtspaper: the Washington Times. (Fil Feit, Annandale)
Nazigator: an overbearing member of your carpool. (Elizabeth Monte, Fairfax)
Synapple: a perfect beverage to accompany brain food. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)
Socceur: the proper spelling of the sport for the next four years, alas. (Kevin Eade, Columbia)
And Lust: an unseemly craving for this position in the column. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)
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At the request of a reader I have written up the lyrics (as best I can) to the